There’s a dude at work with whom I am cool. He works in my old department. (Let’s refer to it as “Hell” so I don’t have to keep typing “old department.”)
Anyhoo, we have a lot in common, similar personalities, similar outlooks on life, we always have something to talk and trip out about. He is married as am I.
Smoochy asked me who I planned on keeping in touch with when I moved to my new position. I named dude and two women. Smoochy was like “cool.”
Dude and I exchanged cell phone numbers on my last day of work and I gave him my new extension. We decided that we’d get together for lunch every once in a while now that I no longer work in Hell and can eat with whomever I please without invoking the wrath of Crazy Ex Boss. We’ve texted (is that a word?) back and forth a few times in the last few weeks during work hours.
Well, one of my female friends called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch today. Told her I couldn’t I was going to lunch with dude. She was all “you’d better be careful. Y’all sure hang out a lot. Does Smoochy know? I don’t want to see you on an episode of C.heaters. Don’t you know men and women can’t be friends?”
I didn’t know that.
If you were me, would you continue this friendship with dude? He has never done or said anything to lead me to believe that he has ulterior motives.
What do you think? Can men and women just be friends? Do you have any/many friends of the opposite sex? How does your significant other feel about them?
Head on over to the comments section and let me know! Thanks.
I think its fully possible for men and women to be friends- especially in a professional environment. I’ve seen plenty of people maintain opposite sex friendships with no issues whatsoever and as long as you and your dh are fine with it go for it.
My husband and I pretty much agree before we got married that neither of us would have any sort of opposite sex friends. I’ve had bad experiences in the past (prior relationship issue long before dh was in the picture) so although I completely and totally trust my husband, I can’t say I’m terribly trusting of other women interacting with him beyond a professional setting. But that’s my hang up- you do whatever works for you.
Can men and women just be friends? Definitely
Do you have any/many friends of the opposite sex? Yes. We go out to lunch when our schedules allow because our jobs are located up the street from one another. We are from the same town so we always have a lot to talk about.
How does your significant other feel about them? He could care less. I could go on and on about us trusting one another and being secure in our relationship but what it boils down to is it’s just not that serious. He knows I had friends (male and female) before I met him and vice versa. Neither of us expects that to change that just because we’re together.
Ditto what AR Gal said. I think as long as you are able to be open and honest with your hubby about this friendship and he’s okay with it, its fine. The problem starts when one feels they have to sneak and hide certain aspects of their friendship with the opposite sex because their significant other just wouldn’t understand or wouldn’t approve, etc. That means its probably inappropriate and you shouldn’t be “friendly” with that person. I have friends of the opposite sex and so does my husband. Not a problem to me at all because its not something we hide from eachother.
I think men and women can be friends. I will say that I don’t have any male friends that I hang out with without my husband. I’ve had too many people overstep their boundaries in the past, that it’s just easier if I don’t. The same goes for my husband.
Good post. As shallow as it seems, I think it all depends on the attractiveness and attraction to both parties. My hubbie and I have a rule: if there is a slight possibility that a potential “friend” might cause either of us to have a wandering eye, we leave said “friend” alone. LOL. It works for us and we’ve been together for years. That said, I don’t have any male friends that aren’t mutually shared between us. Maybe he was just smart enough to befriend all of mine ; )
Work friends are different. My husband and I don’t have opposite sex friends that we see outside of work – why should we?
In theory, yeah, sure, men and women should be able to be friends and friends only – but in real life, NO! Remember what Chris Rock said about himself – “I don’t have female friends, I just know women I haven’t ****ed yet” Not saying that’s what your friend is thinking….but you can never be too careful, LOL!
Thanks ladies! I’ve decided that we’ll pretty much continue as we have been – occasional lunches – at work – where we catch up, trip out, and move on.
If Smoochy ever told me he had a problem with that, I’d stop. I wouldn’t like it, but I’d stop.
I can see both arguments, and personally, I lean toward “yes, men and women can be friends – as long as that is understood by both parties.”
Have a great weekend!
Of course you can remain friends. Smoochy knows about dude, you’re not doing anything wrong and you all are friends.
I think your female friend was putting her baggage on you. Maybe SHE can’t be friends with a guy from work or maybe her sig-fig has a problem when she keeps in touch with guys, but that’s not your issue.
I actually probably have more men friends than women friends. Does that make me weird?
Can men/women be friends? Depends….
(1) In the work environment?
Absolutely.
(2) In a social outing with just you and that other person?
If I am not attracted to that woman, then Yes I can be ‘just’ friends with her. If I am attracted to that women, chances are I am going to test the waters. In that case, No I cannot be satisfied with ‘just’ friends. You know where you stand, you’d best find out where he stands.
(3) If this is an ex-girlfriend?
A resounding No way. Regardless of who did the breaking up, I would want to sleep with that women sooner rather than later. There was a sexual attraction at one point, and I’m sure many men would agree that wanting to sleep with her, for old time sake would be fun. To maintain a platonic friendship with this ex would be near impossible…for me.
In regards to your situation: You’re married, fine. If you progress with this friendship beyond lunch get togethers, then I would question your intentions. Also, you may wish to ask yourself if you are attracted to this person, either emotionally or physically. Please don’t respond with ‘I’m married’. We already know that. If the answer is ‘Yes, I’m attracted to this person and have fantasized about a smootch or two with him’, then it’s time to hang out with your girlfriend’s more often.
We’re human beings after all with wants/desires. No need to tempt yourself too often if he turns you on, emotionally or physically. If he doesn’t do it for you, either emotionally or physically, then by all means he’s a great friend.
Hence it’s easier for me to be buddies with larger women; those who I’m neither emotionally or physically attracted to.
Have fun, good luck.
@ T – I was kind of thinking the same thing re: my friend. But I will admit that I can be naive about certain things, and until she brought up how difficult it can be for men and women to be friends, I hadn’t really thought about it.
@ Amy – I don’t think that’s weird at all. I generally prefer male company/friendships to female. Women can be too messy for my tastes.
@ Marc C – Thanks for a male POV. We’re going to stick to lunches in the work cafeteria and keep it moving. There will be no encounters outside of work unless it is a group type get-together. Thanks again.
Be friends? Sure, but to be good friends? Almost impossible. I have tried to befriend many women, but as the relationship develops I find that either I, or the girl, tend to develop feelings as a result of the friendship.
As far as a platonic heterosexual man/women goes, either they’re professional acquaintances, or they’re lovers. No middle ground–sorry. Yet there are some rare occasions where they are simply friends, but even in those situations I would bet any amount of money that one, or the other (or both), has feelings for the other person–even if those feelings never come to fruition.
I think that men usually want to be more than friends, and women usually want to be less than friends.
I think that women rarely reveal much about themselves when I first meet them. So, I’m usually not interested in women unless I am attracted to them. For women to become interesting, I usually have to hang out with them a few times. And I just don’t care enough to get to that point unless I want them.
In “Stuff White People Like,” the have a page on “platonic friendship” which is described as, “A man trying to get a woman, and she is friends because he has a car.” In that example, he wants to be more than friends, and she wants to be less than friends.