Just when I think I’ll have nothing to discuss with y’all on a lovely Monday morning my child comes through for me. And when she comes through? She comes through!
Being the responsible, electronics savvy parent that I am, when I gave LG my old iPod I set it up to where she cannot buy/download any apps, music, etc. without me entering my password ’cause that’s what good parents do, right? Riiiight.
So Saturday afternoon LG comes bouncing into my room and asks me if she can buy an episode of a TV show. I tell her we need to check her iTunes balance and if she has enough money, she sure can. We check her balance, she’s got $5, the episode costs $2.99. I confirm that’s really how she wants to spend her money and I get ready to enter my password.
Except that I accidentally hit a button which takes me back to a search page in the app store. And in that little space where you type in what you want to search for – I guess technically it’s called the search bar - I see this: g a y s e x.
Let that marinate for a minute. Your minute is probably going to be more pleasant than mine was ’cause I’m pretty damn sure I stopped breathing during the moment I took to gather myself.
So I say…”so, er, ah, LG, about this in your search bar…uh, er, what’s that all about?”
She says: “Oh, I think that’s just something I searched for when I was like 3 or 4.”
I say: “Yeah…except you didn’t have this iPod when you were 3 or 4, so I’m pretty sure you’re not telling the truth.”
She says: “Oh, well, I may have looked for it when I was 8.”
I say: “You’re 8 now LG.”
She says: “Oh, well then that’s probably something I just searched for.”
Me: “Why were you searching for g a y s e x?”
Her: “Some kids at school were talking about it, and I didn’t know what it was, so I was researching it like you tell me to do when I want to know more about something.”
Jesu Christo I need a drank!
Me: “Well, okay. But if you have any questions about s e x – of any kind – you need to ask me or Daddy. Those kids at school don’t know what they’re talking about and that’s not the kind of thing you want to learn from the internet or an app. So you need to talk to us. Okay?”
Her: “Yeah, okay. Do you want me to ask my questions now or when I’m a little older?”
Where’s my damn drink? Didn’t I say I needed a drink?!?!?!
Me: “You should ask questions whenever you have them. Do you have any questions now?”
Her: “No ma’am. I’m good. But if I think of some I’ll ask you. Thanks!”
And off she skips down the hall to watch an episode of some damn D.isney show while I need a drink, prayer, and a sabbatical.
This is the part no one tells you about when it comes to parenting! Oh sure, lots of advice about which bottle to use (Avent), how to burp a baby (small circles with a little pressure), and where to send them to preschool (God’s best little Christian school) but no one ever told me one damn thing about talking to an 8 year old about g a y s e x.
…and if there’s any part of you that wants to say “hey Nerd Girl, technically y’all didn’t talk about g a y s e x…” don’t. Mmmkay?