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WWYD?

Alright dear readers – I’d like your input.  It’s time for another WWYD.  Thank you in advance.

One of my siblings – okay fine, one of my brothers (as I have no sisters) – is in a bad spot financially.

He needed some cash two months ago and another brother and I gave it to him.  We asked him if he was good, and he was like yeah, I just paid my car off, so I’ve got “extra” blah, blah, blah.  We asked him if he was sure?  He said yes.

Other brother and I discussed whether or not we should just send the dude some money every month to help him out for a bit.  We decided not to.  A major factor in our decision was the fact that dude repeatedly said he was good.  He also seemed kinda pissed that he had to ask for the money in the first place, if that makes sense?

So you already know what’s up right?  Dude needs some $$$.  I don’t have it (the total amount needed) to give this month and my other brother has it, but is kinda pissed.  He said he’d rather give dude a set amount every month than have these panicked phone calls every few months.  And he thinks we may be preventing dude from “manning up” by helping him out.

So, we’re trying to decide what to do.  Oh, dude swore the initial money would be repaid.  It hasn’t been.  (But that wasn’t a factor in giving it to him – I don’t “loan” what I can’t afford to give away)

My solution is a mix of giving him the money, sending him an “allowance” every month until the end of 2010 and sending care packages.  Yeah, I know – y’all didn’t know Nerd Girl was such a softie.  🙂  Serious business – I love my brothers dearly and will help them in any way I can.

The other brother doesn’t mind helping but doesn’t want to cripple dude with too much help.  He thinks we should help him again and then cut him loose.

So…..what would you do?  One of the above scenarios or something totally different?  Thanks!

***Editing to add:  it is for a necessity, nothing frivolous, it is for less than $500 and I don’t want to give his age as that would pinpoint which of my brothers it is (not that y’all know any of them, but still….)

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13 thoughts on “WWYD?

  1. As the oldest of three brothers two of which I’ve help in major financial situations, I can certainly understand your dilemma.

    If it were me and this was my brothers second time asking for financial assistance, then I’d give. But any additional financial assistance beyond that would be half of the requested amount. I wouldn’t want my brother to develop a habit of asking for financial assistance without bettering his situation.

    And I totally agree with your not giving what you can’t afford to give away. I’d hate for my relationship/friendship to be damaged over something as simple as money or the lack of repayment of money.

  2. It’s really hard to say what I would do not knowing a) the amount and b) what it’s for and c) how old he is.

    If it’s to help put food on the table so he or his kids can eat then yes I’d give money. If it’s so he can pay his Directv bill, then no. He can do without in my opinion.

    Keep in mind that I don’t have siblings so it’s easy for me to have a selfish attitude.

  3. I’m reading laughing808’s comment and it’s funny because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum as far as birth order goes…..he’s the oldest, I’m the baby. 🙂 I have to say that I agree with him 100%.

    As the youngest, my mama and my oldest sister (God love ’em) were pushovers when it came to me and my needs *coughs wants* (especially my mama). I knew that if I called with the right tone and enough despair in my voice that I could get what I wanted. Sure I had to endure some tongue lashings but I knew that she would eventually cave in (especially if I called big sister to help work on her). Yeah, I was a conniving son of a gun. Ironically, this need of mine to remain spoiled faded away one day about 4 years ago. I just got tired of having to use the ‘bat phone’ when I got myself in situations that I couldn’t squirm out of.

    Anyway, I typed all that just to ‘say’ that as long as you give, he will take. So if you and your other brother are comfortable with that and are in a position to do so , then by all means go ahead but I wouldn’t recommend it. IMO, it just delays the growth process.

  4. I know this is hard because I have been dealing with it with my sister for many years. I finally just had to plain cut her off – nothing changed – EVER.

    I with Babs on this…if the money is to put food on the table, ensure his kids/family has a roof over their head or something that is absolutely necessary for basic survival…then I’d give it to him – well, I would buy the groceries or pay the bill directly. It just works out better that way because I didn’t “loan” you any money…I purchased what I could for you – a gift.

    Good luck, but be prepared to walk away and stand firm – with your cash still in your pocket.

  5. I’d say give him the money. Times are hard for everybody and sometimes that DirectTV is the only thing that keeps a brother from losing it and going bat-crazy.

    However, what’s he need to have happen to get him back in a spot where he doesn’t have to hit you all up anymore?

  6. I would probably give the money, but I couldn’t see myself giviving a monthly allowance to anybody I didn’t birth to. I would probably spend so much time lecturing about living within your means that it would destroy our relationship in the long run.

  7. I am with Travel Diva on this one. Pay the bill directly.

    My parents and I are currently seeing the results of enabling a younger sibling. I am 12 years older so he constantly needs to be “assisted”. And while I love him and will certainly give if needed, at some point he has to be a MAN and stand on his own two feet.

    NG, you seem more easy going than me. At some point I would resent him coming all the time with hand out.

  8. I talk a good game, but i’m a softy too. you have to abuse me before I’ll stop helping. my brother has gotten to that point, so nothing for him. My sister has not gotten to that point so I would help her. So, it really depends on whether or not your sibling has abused or taken advantage of you previously.

  9. I’m a horrible sister. I don’t give NUFFIN’…that’s a whole ‘nother story tho’. It sounds like you feel compelled to give. Things are economically rough for alot of people. You said it seems to be a necessity. I would give again with a soft mindset not to make it a habit. Maybe a “talkin’ to” will compell him to manage his finances better if that’s the issue. No one wants to be lectured about money. Maybe you can even suggest helping him create a budget.

  10. I love my brothers to death. If they ask me for money and I have it, I give it to them. They’re in colleg though, so they’re no pride or guilt involved (well, not that much anyway). All that to say, I understand your dilemma.

    I’m not a fan of you giving him an allowance because it doesn’t allow for self-sufficiency. I AM a fan of gifts though. Because anyone can get a gift at any time and I’d be willing to bet that you probably would send him gifts whether or not he was struggling, so it’s genuine.

    Also, if you KNOW you’re going to get panicked calls every month, then you and your other brother should just set money aside in your budget to take care of those panicked calls.

    Some people really have a hard time asking for help and money issues mess with a man’s ability to feel masculine, so it’s not surprising that he waits until the last minute to ask. He might really believe he can handle it until the ish hits the fan.

  11. I don’t have much insight on the dynamics between siblings as I am an only child. Trying to insert myself into the situation is hard, but I think I’d be rolling with Babs and TIH. I might pay direct living expenses once or twice, but he’d need a plan for the future. Kelly suggested helping him make a budget and that sounds like a good idea.

  12. I would want to know what said sibling was going to do w/the money & how they planned on keeping this from happening again with such regularity. Several years out of college, you need to have a plan. Any plan that you will actually follow through on. I can’t keep throwing money in your direction ad nauseum. My sister was actually the one more likely to have the money or figure out a way to get it. I just ask my dad… which is probably just as bad but I make sure it doesn’t happen w/any sort of regularity as a student. And when I wasn’t a student and was working? That’d be a never. I didn’t want him to not be able/want to help if I really needed him again one day.

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