Home » Life In General » Love Unconditional?

Love Unconditional?

Last week I had lunch with a friend – we had a ball.  This friend of mine is raising her stepdaughter and over the course of lunch, she confided that she thinks her stepdaughter is gay.

My friend is so worried about this may-be-gay stepdaughter – because she’s embarrassed by what her friends and family will think about her.  Huh?  She went on to say that she couldn’t believe it, she was ashamed, she didn’t condone that type of lifestyle, she didn’t want anything to do with her, she couldn’t believe that the girl didn’t like getting her hair done or wearing dresses, etc., etc…

Of course she asked me what I thought, how I’d feel, yada yada yada.

I basically told her that I couldn’t see myself ever chunking Lovegirl the deuces because she was gay.  Do I “agree” with homosexuality?  Nope, it goes against what I believe.  Do I want Lovegirl to be gay?  No, I don’t.  But that little girl is the best thing I’ve ever done and I honestly don’t believe that I’d turn my back on her or tell her stuff like she’s disgraced the family if she were gay.  I certainly wouldn’t be worried about what anyone else thought.

When we were younger my mother used to tell us not to do anything to disgrace the family name.  She never really told us what exactly we could do that would disgrace the family, but I figured that meant for me not to get pregnant…

I’ve been trying to think of circumstances under which I’d be disgraced/ashamed/embarassed by something Lovegirl did.  I’ve come to the conclusion that short of some sort of heinous crime, there really isn’t anything.  Maybe I’m just being naive ’cause my kid is seven and we haven’t had to deal with any real “issues,” I don’t know.  Of course I have high expectations for Lovegirl and there are things I hope she never takes part in, but to just tell her “holla” because she does something I don’t agree with?  I just can’t see it.  Disappointed, yes, but all that other, not so much.

What do you think?  Am I being naive because my child is only six and we haven’t had any real issues yet?  Is there something that your child could do/be that would make you walk away from them?? (Not that my friend has walked away, I’m just asking…)

*Today’s weight?  170.   Down 1.4 pounds.  Yay!



19 thoughts on “Love Unconditional?

  1. Hmmm. Tyler has done some stuff to embarrass me. I tell him all the time that the way he leaves the house (his appearance) really shows people something about me. I also remind him his behavior at school is a direct reflection on me. Sometimes I get very angry bc I never want anyone to THINK i’m not doing a good job as a mother. TO me, I’d rather people think I’m a whore or broke or got a disease or anything else, I could handle but to think I’m a failure at being a mom would kill me. That’s a lot of pressure for a kid. I’m trying to imagine how I’d feel? I think I’d feel embarrassed too. I’d think people were saying I did something wrong or he grew up without a father and perhaps that’s why he’s gay or whatever reason. I don’t know that I could turn my back though. WHile people’s opinions matter to me somewhat, the MOST important opinion of me right now is Tyler’s. So why would I allow other’s opinions to interfere with OUR relationship?

    • I think your last two sentences sum up the way I best feel. I might not like some of her choices, I certainly won’t approve of all of them, but what matters most to me is our relationship. Damn the rest.

  2. My oldest daughter is and I never saw “signs”. I was hurt and I am ashamed to admit I was worried what others would say. It’s not would I would have chosen for her, but what was I going to do? I tried the bible verses and giving her directives on what I would and would not do. Then after awhile I had to ask myself if I was the mommy she would have chose? Her twin brother accepted her as did my middle daughter and my youngest daughter never changed. I just accepted her too! Unconditional love is possible, it ain’t easy, but you can achieve it.

    • How long did it take you to come around? Does her choice still bother you? Have the two of you ever talked about your initial reaction? I’m just curious. Answer as few – or many – as you like 🙂

      I do think my friend’s reaction was just that – a reaction. And I suspect she won’t always feel the same way she does now – I just don’t want her to irreparably damage their relationship.

  3. I can’t think of anything mine could do that would ever make turn my back on her (aside from killing her own child and getting away with it while trying to throw me under the bus) if she told me she was gay we would deal with it. I have no issues with gayness or gay people. My uncle is gay and I love him the same as I did before I knew he was gay.

    • I wonder if that family is ever going to heal from their madness. There are some things so horribly crazy that I refuse to even speak them over my family. They could happen, but I won’t say them…

  4. The love I have for Alyssa is completely and totally unconditional. I can’t imagine ever turning my back on her, especially not for something like her sexuality. Now, I understand tough love and making children deal with consequences, etc. etc., but to say I’m done with you…nope, I can’t see it.

    As far as being ashamed. I’m sure there are things that Alyssa could do to embarrass me or make me ashamed (like stealing, killing, being disrespectful to people), but I hope she doesn’t. And, if she did…I just can’t imagine not loving her; not being there for her.

    Someone very close in my family came out as gay when I was younger and it was very hard for their mother to accept it. The mother would bash the parent’s gayness to her children and talk trash about her child to other family, but she was still always right there when she needed something. It was dysfunctional, but I believe she still loved her; she was just processing things in a crazy manner.

    • I think that’s what I’m really getting at. While I wouldn’t be pleased if she were gay – I’d be far more upset if she were mistreating other people and behaving badly.

      Never say never, but I can’t imagine. I want my child to always feel as though if no one else in the world does – I’ve got her back.

  5. I am in the this situation already. It actually sounds as if your friend is me. My stepdaughter who I have raised since 3yrs of age (now 20 yrs old & her bio-mom is nowhere to be found) told me via text while I was at work last year that she was “bi”. You want to talk about a heart break. While I love this child so very, very much as if I had given birth, I have put her needs before mine all her life. I will not ever accept that kind of behavior. I view her differently. Yeah you may judge but I just do. Its extremely easy to speak on something when your kid is a minor but dealing with adult kids and their CHOICES (because this is a choice contrary to popular opinion) is another story.

    • Welcome!

      I’m not judging. When I ask questions, it really is because I’d like to hear other people’s perspective – I’m not expecting anyone to agree with me any/all of the time.

      When you say you’ll never accept her behavior – what does that mean as far as your relationship with her? Have you cut all ties, is she unwelcome in your home, etc…Are you and her father on the same page? Feel free to answer – or not – as you like.

      My friend is recently married and I wondered if the relative newness of her relationship in any way colored the way she felt. I thought perhaps her reaction would be different if she had raised the girl from an early age, but your response lets me know that length of relationship may not always be a factor.

      Again, I can’t see that Lovegirl’s sexuality would be a deal breaker for me, but you’re right – I haven’t had to deal with it. And honestly, hope that I will not ever have to.

  6. Nope, surely would not change the love I have for my son. He’s my son! My one and only. Flesh of my flesh! Nope, aside from killing his own children, I can’t think of very many things that would make me ashamed. I don’t have a problem with homosexuality. I have 2 very, very close family members that are gay and while I was shocked to find out, my affection and love for them never changed. I have accepted their partners into our family and never thought twice about it.

    • Is your stance one you’ve held for a while, or did the birth of your son change your perspective? Being a parent has changed my perspective on more things that I just knew I was solid on than I’d care to admit!

      • Actually, the “coming out” of my close family member changed my perspective. As silly as it sounds, I’d never thought too much about homosexuality. It hadn’t “touched” my world so I didn’t focus on it. I knew what being gay was and I just felt like people were free to be lived their lives as they were most comfortable. (I don’t see it as a choice). And yes, I totally understand – my opinions on LOTS of stuff is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different than it was pre-kidlet.

  7. Those of us that have older children (mine 22, 20, 14 and 5) and I’m sure some that have younger ones, can all probably agree that the children have done something at SOME point in their lives that we weren’t exactly proud of. That just part of them being kids and learning from experiences, as we did when WE were growing up. I doubt ANY of us were the perfect kids. Well I was…but…..ok maybe not quite perfect. LOL

    That being said, I don’t think you’re being naive at all. I would love and support my children in ANY choice they make, even if it goes against MY values, as long as it’s not something that…as you put it…is some heinous act or something that will hurt them or someone else. Would I want my child to grow up gay? NO…but would I disown them, feel ashamed or disgraced because of it. CERTAINLY not!!! They are entitled to live their lives and be happy.

  8. Her Dad feels the same way…its totally not acceptable. She is welcomed in the home and still has the house key (she doesnt live here). There were absolutely no signs of this choice from her growing up. We are a very close blended family. 3 girls and 3 boys. Only 2 minors left in the house. No one suspected this from her. It’s her life as one commenter stated but I have my life too and with that I have my right to accept or not. That is what’s wrong with this world accepting and going along with totally unnatural things. Its not about love, I love her more than words can express and believe that she knows this. She herself even knows this behavior is immoral.

  9. Hmmmm……it would hurt me a lot, just knowing it’s not what I consider a Christian path but everyone has to make their own choices and live with the consequences. I would NEVER dissown my child for this. We have gay family members and even now, the only thing I ask is that they do not show any signs of affection in front of my children. I am not ready to explain that lifestyle.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s