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This Is The Part No One Tells You About

Just when I think I’ll have nothing to discuss with y’all on a lovely Monday morning my child comes through for me. And when she comes through? She comes through!

Being the responsible, electronics savvy parent that I am, when I gave LG my old iPod I set it up to where she cannot buy/download any apps, music, etc. without me entering my password ’cause that’s what good parents do, right? Riiiight.

So Saturday afternoon LG comes bouncing into my room and asks me if she can buy an episode of a TV show. I tell her we need to check her iTunes balance and if she has enough money, she sure can. We check her balance, she’s got $5, the episode costs $2.99. I confirm that’s really how she wants to spend her money and I get ready to enter my password.

Except that I accidentally hit a button which takes me back to a search page in the app store. And in that little space where you type in what you want to search for – I guess technically it’s called the search bar –  I see this:  g a y s e x.

Let that marinate for a minute. Your minute is probably going to be more pleasant than mine was ’cause I’m pretty damn sure I stopped breathing during the moment I took to gather myself.

So I say…”so, er, ah, LG, about this in your search bar…uh, er, what’s that all about?”

She says: “Oh, I think that’s just something I searched for when I was like 3 or 4.”

I say: “Yeah…except you didn’t have this iPod when you were 3 or 4, so I’m pretty sure you’re not telling the truth.”

She says: “Oh, well, I may have looked for it when I was 8.”

I say:  “You’re 8 now LG.”

She says: “Oh, well then that’s probably something I just searched for.”

Hot damn.

Me:  “Why were you searching for g a y s e x?”

Her: “Some kids at school were talking about it, and I didn’t know what it was, so I was researching it like you tell me to do when I want to know more about something.”

Jesu Christo I need a drank!

Me: “Well, okay. But if you have any questions about s e x – of any kind – you need to ask me or Daddy. Those kids at school don’t know what they’re talking about and that’s not the kind of thing you want to learn from the internet or an app. So you need to talk to us. Okay?”

Her: “Yeah, okay. Do you want me to ask my questions now or when I’m a little older?”

Where’s my damn drink? Didn’t I say I needed a drink?!?!?!

Me: “You should ask questions whenever you have them. Do you have any questions now?”

Her: “No ma’am. I’m good. But if I think of some I’ll ask you. Thanks!”

And off she skips down the hall to watch an episode of some damn D.isney show while I need a drink, prayer, and a sabbatical.

This is the part no one tells you about when it comes to parenting! Oh sure, lots of advice about which bottle to use (Avent), how to burp a baby (small circles with a little pressure), and where to send them to preschool (God’s best little Christian school) but no one ever told me one damn thing about talking to an 8 year old about g a y s e x.


…and if there’s any part of you that wants to say “hey Nerd Girl, technically y’all didn’t talk about g a y s e x…” don’t. Mmmkay?




16 thoughts on “This Is The Part No One Tells You About

  1. LOL. I can imagine your heart and your brain having some sort of collision.. But I’ve learned to really appreciate the questions. Tyler had questions about prostitution and how people get away with it b/c it’s illegal. And i asked about whether he ever saw prostitution advertised on any buildings or anything and he says yes, “XYZ Sex Shop” I almost fell out. But it turned out those stores that are adult sex shops/toy stores, he thought they were selling sex. I wouldn’t have known that and how to explain it to him without the question. I can’t wait for her to come back to you with more questions b/c I wonder what came up when she searched for gay chex lol.

  2. OH LAWD!!! I gots nothing to help you. I think those of us with older children have all been blindsided with topics or a slurry of questions we weren’t ready for. I caught my son on internet porn sites when he was 10 or 11. I told him that stuff was filth, slapped him upside his head, turned off the computer and told him to go tell his father what he was doing. Then I think I went and sat in the dark with a bottle of wine!

  3. I know I’m not supposed to I’m sure but I’m ROTFDL!! If it helps, my mom had to have a discussion with me about talking to my friends about s e x at the same age and look how awesome I am now! I heard something INSANE about where babies come from and she was like, “Who on earth told you that??” I’ll have to ask her what it was because this is one of the few things I know she remembers! LOL

  4. Oh my goodness. Curses to her school age peers and their ridiculous banter! Kids hear all kind of stuff at school. Yeah this kind of stuff is not in the manual. But you freestyled it well.

  5. This happened to my sister (really, almost the exact same thing) last year when my niece was 7. She freaked out and took away her device and freaked out and called us all and freaked out some more. I think you handled it remarkably well, considering.

    It’s just a result of the word we live in where children have access to SO much information and it gets harder and harder to regulate access to that information. Now she knows questions like those get answered by her parents and hopefully feels that you can see everything that she does on the device. The perception of a little parental omniscience never hurt a kid. 🙂

  6. You handled that well and this post is hilarious!

    I think my Dad was always the one looking like he wanted to pass out when it came to s e x talks, but Mom was always straight forward. And we always used technical terms…no slang s e x terms.

    I remember once getting completely embarrassed my by parents for using slang s e x terms in a note intercepted by a teacher. I don’t even remember them being mad about the teacher catching me passing notes, they seemed to be mad I hadn’t used the “proper” words, lol!

  7. When I was five, I asked my mom what a virgin was. Buddha has attempted to use the word ‘gay’ incorrectly, at school, nonetheless, but that’s as far as we’ve gotten. I’m sure I’ll be in for a doozy when it does happen.

  8. Kids are funny. I think we all have that same reaction of “huh, what” but usually if we just answer whatever it is they ask, it’s ok. For them at least. We still need a moment and a glass of wine.

  9. nerdgirl!!!! omg! what did an 8 year old find in her research?? what did she gather from that?? innocence corrupted! my son is 9 and i just can’t with that…….. wow … did you have your drank?? LOL

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